William has come round again. He has brought one of his sisters this time and they, together with my two children, have decided to put on a show. They are planning to re-write the words of the rap from the Yeo Valley website to make it more relevant to their own lives.
"Coz you see, we have lambs and pigs and chickens as well as cows, whereas the Yeo Valley people only have cows," William explains.
After an hour or so of squabbling, the four children announce they are hungry. We sit down to lunch in the garden and I ask them how their performance is coming along.
"What, you mean apart from the fact that the boys are rubbish and can't sing and can't dance and won't do what we say?" asks Daughter, her friend joining in with a few "yeah"s and exquisitely timed eye-rolls.
"Hey!" interjects Small Boy. "We are so NOT rubbish at singing and dancing!"
"Yeah!" says William, "coz actually we are both going to be in the school muscial next term, so there."
"Oh yes," I say. "Remind me what it's going to be about?"
"We are doing 'We Will Rock You'," says William proudly.
"The Queen musical?" I ask.
"Yes," the boys chorus.
The mind goes beyond boggling and into the realms of complete and utter bamboozlement.
"And, er, which part are you playing, William?" I ask.
"I am going to be a Yuppie," he replies proudly. "And Ollie is going to be Scaramouche--"
"And I am going to be a Bo-heem-ium," says Small Boy.
"Don't you mean a Bohemian?" I offer.
"That's what I said."
The girls exchange eye-rolls.
"But it's a shame we didn't all get the parts we wanted," William chirps up.
"Oh? Which role did you want?" I ask.
William sighs heavily. "I really really wanted to be the Killer Queen," he says.
I choke on my drink. "Is that so?" I splutter.
Daughter and her friend erupt into hysterical laughter. "Do you, like, even know what a queen is?" they shriek.
William and Small Boy look at each other and shrug.
"It's, like, a man who wants to be a woman!" the girls howl.
"Well, not quite--" I begin.
"Oh, you mean an Elizabethan?" William says.
"You mean a lesbian, duh," says Small Boy.
"Same thing," says William.
"I think I can safely say that you will most definitely be Rocking Us if you take on that particular role, William," I say.
At the risk of sounding like the Aged Ps, whatever do they TEACH kids these days?
"Coz you see, we have lambs and pigs and chickens as well as cows, whereas the Yeo Valley people only have cows," William explains.
After an hour or so of squabbling, the four children announce they are hungry. We sit down to lunch in the garden and I ask them how their performance is coming along.
"What, you mean apart from the fact that the boys are rubbish and can't sing and can't dance and won't do what we say?" asks Daughter, her friend joining in with a few "yeah"s and exquisitely timed eye-rolls.
"Hey!" interjects Small Boy. "We are so NOT rubbish at singing and dancing!"
"Yeah!" says William, "coz actually we are both going to be in the school muscial next term, so there."
"Oh yes," I say. "Remind me what it's going to be about?"
"We are doing 'We Will Rock You'," says William proudly.
"The Queen musical?" I ask.
"Yes," the boys chorus.
The mind goes beyond boggling and into the realms of complete and utter bamboozlement.
"And, er, which part are you playing, William?" I ask.
"I am going to be a Yuppie," he replies proudly. "And Ollie is going to be Scaramouche--"
"And I am going to be a Bo-heem-ium," says Small Boy.
"Don't you mean a Bohemian?" I offer.
"That's what I said."
The girls exchange eye-rolls.
"But it's a shame we didn't all get the parts we wanted," William chirps up.
"Oh? Which role did you want?" I ask.
William sighs heavily. "I really really wanted to be the Killer Queen," he says.
I choke on my drink. "Is that so?" I splutter.
Daughter and her friend erupt into hysterical laughter. "Do you, like, even know what a queen is?" they shriek.
William and Small Boy look at each other and shrug.
"It's, like, a man who wants to be a woman!" the girls howl.
"Well, not quite--" I begin.
"Oh, you mean an Elizabethan?" William says.
"You mean a lesbian, duh," says Small Boy.
"Same thing," says William.
"I think I can safely say that you will most definitely be Rocking Us if you take on that particular role, William," I say.
At the risk of sounding like the Aged Ps, whatever do they TEACH kids these days?
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