Small Boy is elaborating on his plans to conquer the world, the universe and everything. He has moved on from wanting to own Asda and be Prime Minister. His plans are now grander and a sight more dangerous, it seems.
"I am going to be King of England," he announces.
"Pah!" says Daughter. "You're too small."
Small Boy squares up to his sister. "So? Edward VI was small. In fact he was only nine and he actually founded our school."
"Deeerrrrr," says Daughter. "That was in Olden Times. People didn't live long then. You would actually be dead by now, Mum," she adds cheerfully.
"Thanks," I say. I turn to Small Boy. "Aside from age, there is the minor matter of how you think you are going to accede to the throne?"
"Easy," he says. "Kill the Queen, Prince Charles and Prince William."
"Right. That's actually treason, not to mention triple murder," I point out.
"Oh well it doesn't matter, cos once I am king I can change all that," says Small Boy airily.
I try a different tack. "You don't have royal blood."
"I do," Small Boy assures me. "Everyone does, cos we are all related. Charles Darwin and the scientists proved it with the Tree of Life and DNA and everything."
"Mmmm, I think you've been a bit generous with your interpretation of the facts--"
"Whatever," Small Boy waves his hand impatiently at me. "Anyway, when I am King I will start by having a special new police force."
"Oh?"
"Yes. I'll get rid of the boring old Metropolitan lot and I'll replace them with the Neapolitan Police instead."
"You're going to recruit from Italy?" I ask. I am feeling increasingly out of my depth.
"No, silly!" Small Boy tuts and rolls his eyes. "I'm going to use policemen who wear pink, yellow and brown uniforms."
"And what will this special police force bring to the establishment of law and order exactly?"
"Ice cream for everyone, of course."
Of course. Silly me. Why did I need to ask?
"I am going to be King of England," he announces.
"Pah!" says Daughter. "You're too small."
Small Boy squares up to his sister. "So? Edward VI was small. In fact he was only nine and he actually founded our school."
"Deeerrrrr," says Daughter. "That was in Olden Times. People didn't live long then. You would actually be dead by now, Mum," she adds cheerfully.
"Thanks," I say. I turn to Small Boy. "Aside from age, there is the minor matter of how you think you are going to accede to the throne?"
"Easy," he says. "Kill the Queen, Prince Charles and Prince William."
"Right. That's actually treason, not to mention triple murder," I point out.
"Oh well it doesn't matter, cos once I am king I can change all that," says Small Boy airily.
I try a different tack. "You don't have royal blood."
"I do," Small Boy assures me. "Everyone does, cos we are all related. Charles Darwin and the scientists proved it with the Tree of Life and DNA and everything."
"Mmmm, I think you've been a bit generous with your interpretation of the facts--"
"Whatever," Small Boy waves his hand impatiently at me. "Anyway, when I am King I will start by having a special new police force."
"Oh?"
"Yes. I'll get rid of the boring old Metropolitan lot and I'll replace them with the Neapolitan Police instead."
"You're going to recruit from Italy?" I ask. I am feeling increasingly out of my depth.
"No, silly!" Small Boy tuts and rolls his eyes. "I'm going to use policemen who wear pink, yellow and brown uniforms."
"And what will this special police force bring to the establishment of law and order exactly?"
"Ice cream for everyone, of course."
Of course. Silly me. Why did I need to ask?
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