What Have the Romans Ever Done for Us?

The Aged Ps are back from their latest jaunt.

“We got an early flight back, which was nice,” says Mother.

“Oh, didn’t you enjoy the holiday then?” I ask.

“Oh yes, but it’s always nice to get home,” replies the woman who two weeks ago was telling me how it is always nice to get away.

“So did you have a good time or not?” I ask. I am cradling the phone uncomfortably between my left ear and my shoulder while attacking the Ironing Pile, which has been threatening to attack me for the past few days as it grew in size and leered ominously at me from the laundry basket.

I realise too late that this position is not the best to be caught in now that I have just effectively asked for a recap of the history of Ancient Grece.

“Well,” says Mother, taking a deep breath. “I have to say, I never thought much of the Greeks. Give me the Romans any day. We went to Actium – you know, where Octavian finished off Anthony and Cleopatra? Although to be precise the battle was fought at Epirus vetus.”

“Hmmm,” I make a vague assenting noise, so that I don’t have to betray my woeful lack of knowledge of all things classical, which is one of the many cardinal sins I am charged with in our family. Although I did get Latin O Level, it didn’t count according to the Ageds, as I had been taught the Cambridge Latin Course, which is apparently for idiots.

“Well, Octavian – or should I say Augustus Caesar as he later became known – he knew how to deal with the Greeks,” Mother says, with considerable relish. “He trounced the lot of ’em at the Battle of Actium, gained control of Mare Nostrum [I have a vague idea she’s talking about the Mediterranean] and thus consolidated his power over every Roman institution.”

“Really?” I have to put the iron down. I am in danger of getting a locked shoulder. Or burning myself. I feel as though I’m back at school again, so I may as well sit down and start taking notes in case I’m tested later.

“Yup. The Roman Republic became an Empire after that. Mirabilis! No wonder the Greeks have cocked up their economy. Bring back the Romans, that’s what I say! Vivat Romani!”

I stop myself in time from asking facetiously, “What have the Romans ever done for us?” For once I’m sorry Dad isn’t on the other phone. We could have had a father-daughter Monty Python moment and annoyed Mother, which is always fun.

“So,” she says at last, realising that I am not talking. “How have you been?”
“Oh, OK,” I say. “Had a bit of a cold.”

“Oh, yes, so did we. Terrible scratchy throat and cough.” Mother coughs loudly and phlegmily into the phone to illustrate the point. “But it was lovely to get away. Even if the Greeks are so rubbish at organisation. Did you know they’re going on strike again—?”
“Did Dad enjoy himself?” I interrupt hastily.

“Oh, you know your father. He’s always happy. He met a soulmate actually. A man who also went to Trinity and has the same idiotic sense of humour as your father. Must be something in the water in that college. They spent the whole holiday quoting bits of poetry and bloody Monty Python and silly jokes to one another in Greek and Latin. Honestly.”

I smile to myself. I can picture the scene perfectly: Mother railing against the Greeks and loudly extolling the Romans, while Dad and his new-found friend stand shoulder to shoulder looking out across the Ionian Sea, grinning like a pair of loonies and chirping: “What have the Romans ever done for us?”